My feelings are hurt...

Someone said something. Someone did something. Something happened....I just don't understand it. I can't figure it out but my feelings are hurt. I sulk. I ponder. I try to work out the details in my mind. I try to make sense of it. I complain about it...yep I complain about it over and over and over. I complain to God. Why? Why this...why me...for what purpose? Yep...there might be a purpose. I complain and I complain to God. I ask for the perfect outcome. I don't deserve the perfect outcome. I'm not "more" than the person next to me who wants the same perfect outcome. I'm not "special" in any way. I'm just like anyone else.  My feelings get hurt by the simplest things and I want to complain to God to fix them when time and time again his feelings are hurt by me. My words, my actions, my motives...and I expect to never get hurt. I expect to walk through life with no disappointment when I disappoint my Heavenly Father daily. I deserve no different than the next. I deserve no more than anyone else. I deserve the worst. But then ...there is grace. Gods infinite grace poured out on me daily in everything around me and I miss it. I miss all the good things especially the little things because I'm too busy complaining. God is so good. His grace and mercy are poured out on me daily. May I rejoice in his blessings. May I rejoice in his greatness. May I look ahead at the things to come and the things right in front of me. May I let go of the things of the past. They cannot change. They cannot be undone...but they can be forgotten. Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise God for the life given. Praise God for the trials and struggles that will make us draw closer to Him. His love endures forever...even when I don't deserve it!

Tis the Season...

It's been a couple of months and I feel like we are finally getting settled in the new house. It feels like it has been a whirlwind of a year with David taking a new job, selling our house, moving to my parents while we searched for a new house and then the whole search process that took longer than anticipated. I was anxious for a house. Ready to settle in and not live out of totes. Ready to have our space. What I didn't count on was the void I felt when we left mom and dads. I look back on the 9 months we were there and I am so very blessed and thankful for that time. What a privilege it was to spend that time with them. It was unique and not always easy but something I will cherish and I believe my boys will as well. We were able to spend quality time with them. Time that maybe we had never had before and quite possibly will never have again...in the sense of quality and quantity. We are settled though in our new home. We love it so far! We have been blessed with some of the most amazing neighbors and it has been a blessing to get to know them over the last few months!

As far as school goes it is hard to believe we are halfway through the school year. I am blessed daily by my crew. In this season I am extremely blessed by their giving hearts. They want to go above and beyond in doing whatever they can for others. Something I have tried hard to instill is having a servant heart. To be aware of their surroundings and when they see a need to do what they can to help....whether a big task is at hand or a little one...that we don't shy away but figure out a way to make a difference in someone's life.(speaking for all of us...not just he kiddos) In this season we tend to do "more" but I want it to be an all year long season of giving and "more" for others. That we don't focus on the "me" attitude but the "you" (what can I do for you?) attitude. That we spread joy daily...not just in a season! That we love on others continually...not just for a day! This world is hard and we don't always have it easy. We don't always have the means to do what our heart really wants to do but we always have the ability to do something. To make a difference with our words and actions and even small gestures that can make someone's day. Be that shining light wherever we are but most of all let the light that shines show Gods love to others!

Is it enough...

For several weeks I've been dealing with the "is it enough" scenario". Am I doing enough? I work outside the home. I work inside the home. I homeschool...but I get bombarded by my own thoughts of I need to be doing more financially for our family. I mean really there are a few extra hours in the day 😳. Exhaustion doesn't completely set in until 11 pm or so...thanks to Spark! Then, I sit through church on Sunday and amazingly the sermon is on the family and exactly what I'm dealing with. The greatest thing that I can be doing for my boys is exactly what I'm doing. Pouring into them daily...not perfectly daily...but I'm trying. That it was impressed upon my heart several years ago to be here and to be present and to take upon myself the responsibility of teacher and mentor to them. That I'm here raising men..not boys. That the results of me doing so are not immediate results. In all honesty I might never see the end result. But, my goal is to raise men of God, Christ followers, Godly husbands, loving fathers, disciples of strength and morality to be lights in this dark world. I'm not doing it all just right. I'm not doing it perfectly. And while it may be killing me with all the beach, cruise, disney pictures that we may not get to be a part of like other people....money makes the world go round and money is nice and precious memories are forever treasured...I have to remind myself that this is our journey. It's not like everyone else's.  There are different seasons of life and I need to embrace the season...even when it's not fun, or it's a little hard, or maybe not exactly the way I pictured it... God sees the end...we just have to hold tight to the reigns and enjoy the ride...bumps and all.

For Ma...

It's just that time...

When we look back

On life and love

And of time spent. 

Remembering the laughter

Remembering the tears

But most of all 

Of the one we held dear. 

She was bold

She was strong

She was a wife

She was a mother

She was comfort

She was joy

She was like no other.

She was Ma!

It's just that time...

I remember our days 

when I was young. 

Times that I will cherish 

spent on the farm. 

Three hot meals a day

And she never complained. 

Biscuits and gravy with a side

Of cinnamon rolls for me. 

Feeding the goats and cows

With long walks to end the day. 

Quiet front porch sittin'

There was nothing missin'

It's just that time...

There's new work to do

She is with my Pa. 

As they stand in awe 

With the One

who loved them more. 

My joy comes in knowing

No more pain

No more tears

I will see them again one day. 

Praise God for life

Praise God for love. 

It's just that time...

I love you Ma!

The hardest...

One of the hardest things in walking as a Christian in this life is having a loved one who is unsaved. Maybe they are saved. Maybe you just don't know. I can only hope this is it. But my heart breaks...for many reasons. But mostly because I did not do all that I could to make sure that they knew. I waited too long. They are in the final stages of life and in their condition it's too late. I, as a Christian, will have to answer for that. I will have to face my Heavenly Father one day and account for this. Why didn't I? I could use every excuse...Someone else should have, they have been sick for so long, I hope they accepted Christ at some point, I know they knew, I know they had heard....but did they accept? Did they accept? None of the above matters if they never accepted. It wasn't anyone else's  job...it was mine. There are some people in our life that we share with and share with and they refuse to trust. They refuse to believe but you know you have tried. You have planted the seeds. You can dust yourself off, move on and you continue to pray for them. But what if you don't have this peace with knowing you have done everything possible to make sure they knew. It leaves an imprint. It leaves a dark hole that I'm not sure can be filled. I didn't do all that I could. I sit in church and it's missions. It's go out and tell the world when I can't even tell my own family. My highest priority is often my lowest. My first priority should be to ensure those closest to me know. That I have done all I can to ensure they know who Jesus is and what Jesus has done for them. We will account for this. I will account for this. I'm praising God for brokenness this morning. I'm praising him for the feeling I have right now. That I will never let an opportunity pass me by to share. To show Gods love. To make sure they know.... Jesus is Lord. Jesus is your Savior. He is your saving grace. He is the beginning..and he is the end. The only hope there is in this life is through HIM.

Dear One...

Yes you. The one who is struggling. The one who is feeling lost and out of control. The one who feels like they are not going to survive this. The one who feels like the world is crashing in on them.  Take a breath. Praise God you are here. Praise God he created you. Find the glory in the moment and just give Him praise and honor. We were never told this life would be easy. But we were told that if we remain faithful in Him we will have nothing to worry about. There is a lot of "stuff" going on in this old world. There is a lot of stuff going on in your life right now. Sometimes we don't understand it all. Sometimes we don't understand why we are going through it. Most of these things we will never understand this side of heaven. But we have a weapon. We have knees! We have the power to get down on our knees and pray. Pray for our situation. Pray for the unknown and the fear we have. Pray for the outcome we cannot see. Pray for peace and understanding. I encourage you to find a place of solitude and reach out to God. Anyone can pray! It's not something reserved for a select few. A relationship with Christ is for YOU! 

In awe...

Sometimes I am just in awe. How in the world did I get so lucky. I sit back at times and I am completely blown away by my boys. Completely in awe of how God knit two lives together that created these 4 beautiful human beings. Have you ever just sat back and stared at your kids. Of course at this age they think they are in trouble or mom is just plain weird. That's ok. I am in awe! The beauty of each one. The characteristics of being so alike yet so different. I LOVE being their mom! Gods handiwork is so amazing and beautiful.  How inside of you for 9 months grows this little person who is alive at conception. How it grows is nourished and develops to be born dependent on you. What a huge responsibility. No doubt that responsibility seems overwhelming at times. But God equips! He give strength! 

So many things happen in this life that I know we just take for granted. We just let the days pass and we don't see the glory in it let alone give God the glory for it. How he perfectly orchestrates an event in our lives when it just seems heavy and burdensome. He has a plan! How you show up at church on Sunday morning and you are in awe that the message given was for you. In awe of doors shutting, shutting, shutting only to have one open so easily. Wow! God shows up in big ways sometimes. He shows up when we least expect it. It's like a puzzle. When keep trying to shove a piece that doesn't fit into the place you WANT it to go. It doesn't work. Frustration sets in. You feel defeated. Only to see God quietly lift your hand and place  it on the right piece and put it into place. Of course it fits perfectly! My prayer is to follow Gods plan. That we follow his lead! Sometimes it's dreary and dark. Sometimes we can't see our way to the next step until we have reached it...and God just shines brighter and brighter...and I just sit back in awe of how magnificent he is! Praising GOD from whom ALL blessings flow. 

Amazing Love...

Isn't it amazing how much God loves us. How many chances and do-overs he gives us. Each day we mess up and each day he cleans up the mess. We fail but yet he doesn't give up on us. But aren't there days when we give up on Him. When we are ready to throw in the towel. When we let our mouths take over and run it non-stop. When we just can't seem to get ourselves under control. But yet we can come back. God doesn't say..well you messed up so I'm done with you. Instead He looks down at us as we are crumpled in defeat...reaches out His hand and  pulls us back up to Him. He pats us on the back and says I love you my child. Rest in me. Don't let the worries of this world take you over. Trust me.     There is always hope with Him. There is always another day when we know him as our Savior. Another glorious day! We can't take back yesterday but we can change tomorrow. Forgiveness is a gift. Salvation is a choice. Without Him there is no hope. Without Him there is no guaranteed tomorrow. With Him you will receive the greatest gift ever! Trust and Believe. 

Crazy...yeah a little!

We are back at it! We officially started our third year of homeschooling a couple of weeks ago. I was also asked the question "are you crazy"? Well, yeah, most days...but I wouldn't change a thing. I'm embracing our crazy. It's even more crazy because we have yet to find a house. So with most of our belongings still in storage it's been hard. But I think the crazy question came with the realization that we have a 9th, 7th, 4th grader and Kindergartner. So yeah...it's crazy but we are off to a great start and everyone is jumping right in to their work and doing awesome! Mom is hanging in there. There are some long days and nights with school, work and running kids here and there but I'm trying to embrace it. It has just hit me this summer that Dylan is almost 15. WOW! Hard to even type that. But I only have a few years left with him under my wing before he decides to fly the coop! I am excited about his future and what God has in store for him. He is a bright shining compassionate star with a big heart and I know he is going places. I also realize that my time is numbered before this happens and I try to make the best of each day! We work hard but we laugh hard also.

I've also been asked the question "why homeschool"? My answer is "why not"! I know that it isn't for everyone. I also know that not everyone could do it or have the opportunity to do it. God gave me the opportunity and I am blessed by that. He also gave me encouragement that this was the direction our family should take. I don't know why really. I do know that I was convicted to do it. I didn't just wake up one day and say...let's do this! There were actually many years of feeling we SHOULD do this but always resisting and pushing back. When I did finally give in and let God take control I was completely blessed. No, it's not easy. Yes, it's ALOT of work. No, we don't lay in the bed until 9 or 10. We aren't lazy. But if we need a lazy day we have the option to do so! Honestly, it would have been easier to send them to school. We have always had great teachers but for a long time I knew I was supposed to be doing something different. What I have found over the last 3 years is a deeper relationship with my boys. Something that I cherish and love. I've watched them grow, I've watched them struggle, I've watched them learn. I've watched them laugh. I've watched them cry. I've watched them become young men. I've watched them pray. I've watched them seek guidance. Not just from me or their dad but from God. I will look back with no regrets knowing I did what God told me to do. I will look back with no regrets even if I didn't do it perfectly...I did it. Even when I was scared...I did it scared. People worry that they will mess up their kids. The only way I can mess them up is if I stop caring. The only way I can mess them up is if I stop loving them. What I do daily is for them. It's not about me. It's not for me. Its easy to be caught up in a "me" world and I'm guilty of it. I'm not deserving of anything I have. I don't deserve to be blessed the way I have been blessed. It's a blessing to be their mommy. It's a blessing to be their teacher. It's a blessing I don't want to take for granted. It's a blessing that can disappear in a blink of an eye. I praise God! I am in awe that he has entrusted me with this great gift and job. God gave me the desires of my heart 14.5 years ago when he made me a mommy. I owe Him my very best in this adventure! 

A Great Big Hole...

Ever have the feeling you are part of a great big hole? That your a missing a piece of the puzzle?That you are just different than your surroundings? Ever have the feeling that you just don't fit in? This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it doesn't feel like a good thing though. Knowing that you feel like you just don't belong in this world is hard...because we don't. As a follower...as a Christian we belong with him...and this is not our home. But, God has put us here. He has put us here to be part of this Earth until we are in our heavenly home. He has put us here to save souls and win lives for Him. Lately it just feels like we don't belong but we don't know where to go or what to do. We feel uncomfortable in our surroundings and feeling Gods push...but where? Seeking His advise and praying diligently for the answers. That we follow Him wherever he leads us. Praying for doors to open and if need be doors to close at the same time. As we raise our boys we realize it's not just that easy. Just pick up and go....oh how we have thought about it. Then we remember it's not just us we might pick up and leave with its these boys who have their lives as well. But we are called to follow...our desire is to raise men for God. Men who pick up and follow.  Men who are leaders and who I know are world changers. There is the line. The line between living a life and living the life for God. Living in a way that glorifies Him while living in this world. Finding your last piece to the puzzle and filling in the blanks and holes that have been missing pieces to the whole picture. James 1:5 tells us to ask God when we don't know. When we lack wisdom that we are to ask and seek Him. He provides the answers. He provides the insight. He provides the missing pieces...all you have to do is ask. These answers might not be immediate answers. Keep praying. Keep seeking. They might not come for years but God hears your prayer. He hears your plea and sometimes he is aligning the missing puzzle pieces right in front of you and you just don't see it. Sometimes we don't see his work until it's time for that final missing piece. Don't lose hope. Keep praying. Keep seeking and his answers will be revealed. God is ALWAYS on time. 

Ok Satan....you win

We keep getting hits from the right and from the left. You get one thing done and something else happens. Days you just want to lay out in the grass with your arms wide open and say "I give up...Satan you win". He knows what buttons to push. He knows how to make you squirm. He knows how to make you lose it and give up hope. He just knows! Then God wakes you up and slaps you around a little bit and shows you that things could be far worse. He shows you that the blessings of this life are not in the things. The things that cost us money and the things that seems so important but in reality they aren't. They are just things. Things that are bought and sold everyday. Things that are forgotten about in a month. Things ...cannot replace life. Life is fragile and fleeting. Life is precious. Time is like gold. Savoring the moments and not the things. The memories. The laughter. When we leave this earth what is left behind? Our things won't matter but the memories will. The impact we made. The lives we changed. The moments we savored. The time we took. The love we gave. The JOY we create. Joy...its a tough one for me. I get down and out easily. I get lost in what needs to be done. What should be done. How much to be done. Often times I don't look at the joy in it. I take it for granted and miss the joy. But today...today I choose Joy. My joy is what makes my kids joy. When I am joyful they are joyful. When I am snappy. They are snappy. When I'm upset. They are upset. Today I choose joy. Find the joy. It may not be easy. It may even be downright painful but look for the JOY. It's there...in everything we do. We just have to look for it. So today Satan doesn't win. The bills may stack up. The car may blow up. That thing you wanted may slip through your fingers. But it's all material. Don't let it steal your joy. Don't let it steal your laughter. Praise God for the things you have that aren't "things".

 

Reflections...

So here lately the blog posts have been about being grateful for the time we have. Finding the joy in the moment and seeing the blessings around me. I was talking with my boys this weekend. We were discussing memories and sometimes the lack of but then also the things that stuck out to them and they remembered most. Years of camping is one of them. We started camping when Dylan was just 6 months old so each of them have so many memories of us together at the lake. Lately we have talked about getting rid of the camper. The boys are getting bigger and our time to be able to go is much more limited with activities going on. However, to my amazement each of them said they would rather have this time together than any vacation we could take. This brought on more thought by me. Making the most of my time with them. Creating so many moments of memories that when they sit down to talk to their kids or grand kids someday that they have so many memories that they don't know where to start or end. What will they remember about me? I am lucky in that I have been able to spend my days with my boys. It's not always been easy and yes we have had to make financial sacrifices for me to do so. Choices we made so that I could be home with the boys. They may not have the newest everything and I might buy their clothes and shoes on sale but the memories I pray we are creating will far outweigh the price of those clothes and shoes...it's just "stuff". Stuff that will not make a lasting impact in or on their lives. I pray that me being with them and the opportunities that we have will give them guidance and choices for the rest of their lives. After all I'm not just raising my boys. We are teaching them to be godly men and fathers and most of all a godly example in all that they do! In the blink of an eye it can all be gone. I want the memories to be great. I want them to know how much they are loved and how much I thank God that he let me be their mommy! I'm so proud of each of my boys and the words that I have written here are here for anyone to read but most of all for my boys to have whenever they want or need it.

Twinkies...

The road less traveled....
It isn't always easy. It isn't always pretty. It's living outside of this world and in Gods light. It's taking a stand and living a life that is reliant on God and not on this world. Living of God and not of this world. It's easy to get caught up in what's in and happening or in what everyone else is doing. God tells us "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." (‭Romans‬ ‭12‬:‭2‬ NIV) we want want others have. We covet and boast about the things of this world. I'm guilty! We've all done it. Do not conform...what does that mean? The definition...
: to be similar to or the same as something
: to obey or agree with something
: to do what other people do : to behave in a way that is accepted by most people...
so we are not suppose to be similar to what the world looks like or agree to what the world says is ok to do...we are to be different. Or , as one of our favorite comedians Tim Hawkins says "twinkies living in a ding dong world"! We should look different. We should act different. People should know us by our fruits... Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control! No, we are not perfect. Yes, we will mess up! But we should desire to be different and we should desire for others to see us as different than what they see of the world. So the next time you are tempted to be part of what God says is wrong and the world says is ok...remember we are called to be twinkies!

Where the sidewalk ends...

...God begins! Out of answers. At the end of your rope. Mission Impossible. No way no how. There is no hope. Do you believe in a path? Do you believe that you are here for a purpose? Do you just need answers or guidance? I believe in a path. A light at the end of the tunnel. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. A light bulb moment. Whatever you want to call it. God has a plan. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah‬ ‭29‬:‭11‬ NIV) So many times I want things. Did you get that? "THINGS"! Sometimes I want to trust my own way and make up my own right answers instead of going to God for guidance. I want to believe that my way is his way. God reminds me that he is more than "things". That my life was not created to be about "things". My life was created to serve and honor Christ. My life was created for more than I can see? Did you catch that? MORE THAN I CAN SEE. I know that God created me to be the mom of four amazing boys. He created me to instill in them the love that Christ gives in an effort that they love others the same way. He created me to love them, raise them, teach them and challenge them. He has given me this awesome opportunity that is so easy to take for granted. He has given me the opportunity to be a wife to a wonderful godly man. God has given me someone that loves me. That holds me when I'm down and lifts me up when I'm weak. Someone that challenges me to be a better wife and mother. At times I've asked myself "what purpose am I here for. What has God put me on this earth to accomplish?" Often times I have missed the answer in front of my face all along! He tells me to embrace this moment. To see the joy and the glory in what I am getting to do. To see that "yes" you were created for so much more! More love, more hugs, more kisses, more more more... Embrace this time. Love this time. Time that I will never ever EVER have again! When you think you are out of answers. When you think you are out of hope...Seek HIM! "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew‬ ‭6‬:‭33-34‬ NIV) He has the answers! He's the only one that does. I can try to come up with the answer. I can try to find my own way. But it's so much easier if I just let him lead! It's so much easier if I only trust! So when you feel like your sidewalk is ending...know there is someone who can make your path clear again!

Sometimes...

Sometimes you just don't know what to pray for. Some days are hard when you are going through "stuff" ...just everyday ups and downs. But, when you look around you can only feel blessed that your stuff isn't as big as other peoples "stuff". But, your hear aches for what others are going through. Sometimes, I just pray out to God and say "you know my words...you know the words in my heart even if they don't come out of my mouth". He knows what we go through daily and the issues that arise. He knows the people on our heart and the struggles we have daily. The insignificant things...He knows. The big things...He knows. When I feel like I have no direction and clarity on issues I can pray for it. God tells us in James 1..."If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking". (‭James‬ ‭1‬:‭5‬ NLT). Go to him like a parent guiding his child. Ask him for clarity. Ask him for answers and seek his will. I struggle with my will and his will. Let his will be mine and not mine his. He knows the best answer...but I have to seek it from him. For me it is not writing on the wall and an answer is given. But rather a tug at the heart and soul knowing the right thing I should do. The unsettling feeling when I follow a certain path and know that it doesn't feel right. I earnestly pray that my boys seek God in big things and little things. That I can teach them at a young age to ask and seek Gods will in everything. Instead of waiting until later in life to truly seek God as I did. “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. "For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." (‭Matthew‬ ‭7‬:‭7-8‬ NIV) "For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." (‭Matthew‬ ‭7‬:‭8‬ NIV)

A Season of Greatness...

I am super proud of all my boys. They are each wonderful and talented in their own ways. But they all possess a kind, servant hearted spirit which makes this momma proud. Today, I wanted to take a few minutes an brag on Mason.

About four years ago he decided he wanted to take some tumbling classes so we started him in one. His interest grew and he decided he wanted to further the tumbling into gymnastics. He was hooked! For the last two years he has worked hard in the gym. He just completed his first season which was phenomenal. For the last year he had been working toward this season of competition. His working consisted of three nights a week in the gym or about 9 hours a week. Plus the work he did at home  on conditioning and skills. His dedication of the last year proved his commitment. I honestly cannot remember him missing a single practice...nor did he want to miss. He looks forward to going and working hard. He looks forward to facing a new conditioning and practice season. He looks forward to learning new skills. He looks forward to conquering those giants! Me, I look forward to when he accomplishes that new goal and reaches that new milestone and looks over to find me in the crowd and gives his momma that thumbs up! That is priceless to me!! Enjoy some of my favorite Mason pics from this season!

The Fear...

The fear of the unknown. The fear of uncertainty. The fear of failure. The fear of survival. No matter our walk with God we all face the fearfulness of life. The fear of the "what ifs". Stepping out in faith for me has never been easy. Something I struggle with is change. If things change...can I handle it? "For God did not give us a spirit of fearfulness..." Then why am I fearful? "...But one of power, love and self-discipline" 2 Timothy 1:7. I trust Him. I follow Him. So why does this fear follow me? Convincing myself daily to live FOR Christ and not in fear of this world isn't easy. To know that He has created me for so much more than fear. Fear cannot control my life if I am longing for a close relationship with my Heavenly Father. I have to turn it over to Him. I have to lay the worries, the burden, the fear at His feet. But,I have to trust that He has control. He knows them each. I don't walk this crazy life alone because He carries me! He carries you! My only strength comes from Him. The grace that he gives is unlike any other. The love that he shows as has is unlike any other. Just know that you can lift your eyes to Him. He will comfort. He will carry you. He is the light in this dark world!