Looking Back....

There are some years you are ready to leave behind. Not that everything about this year was bad or hard. There were so many amazing and exciting moments but there were also some very hard moments. Why is that the hard moments are so much easier to remember than the good. Because they were hard? Because you are wishing them away? I don’t want to dwell on the bad but I will share a little of what was going on within our walls. Our New Year always starts out with a bang! It’s meet season which means traveling and a busy schedule. With Noah and Mason both competing last year it was extra busy but fun. We got to take our first trip to Chicago and we took the whole family! This was tons of fun and the pizza wasn’t bad either 😏. We had so much fun exploring and walking the city...truly trying to experience the big city. We get to go back in a couple of weeks and we are excited to return! The boys had a great season as as always this momma loves watching any of her boys do what they love. 

Early spring brought on some difficult trials. Noah’s trip to the hospital that resulted in an ambulance ride to Vanderbilt and surgery to follow was the beginning of some difficult moments, months and time for us. For Noah the trauma didn’t stop when we left the hospital. We’ve had months of intense anxiety and worry. Moments where we just sat and cried together and all I could do was hold him until he finally calmed down. Moments of complete terror for him and helplessness for me. Nothing I could do could make these moments better and we just had to wait them out. I’ve prayed with him, for him and over him. Begging God to take this from him and give it to me. My happy go lucky child has become a constant worrier. Chewing his food and spitting it out in fear the same thing would happen again. Completely scared and worried about so many things...some so insignificant to the normal person but became obsessive for him. He has coping mechanisms...and when one passes another begins. I can only hope that with time and of course lots of prayer the anxiety and worry will subside.  That he will get relief from this and somehow get past the trauma of what he went through. So if you think of him pray for my sweet boy! Our episodes have been fewer and further between since we have moved. The crying for 2 hours and begging for it to just go away. The episodes of convincing himself something was wrong until the point he made himself sick. These episodes have gotten so much better. He still has worry and anxiety over every little thing. He still has issues with eating and spits food out afraid he will get choked. Sometimes these moments happen out of the blue and others I can see them coming. Our God is good! My boy is here and he is well and for that I am so thankful. Things could have been so much worse. 

The boys keep us moving. Mason with gymnastics. Jack has started CrossFit and is loving it. I love seeing him find something he enjoys. Dylan is still climbing all he can, working at Publix and he is a senior this year. So many emotions about that. He started his first college classes this past fall and is loving it. My baby is growing up but I love seeing them in this stage of life. There has also been massive growth in our family and growth I’m talking height 😂. Dylan is around 5’11 and Mason has caught him. Mason has gone from about 5’7 to 5’11 this year along with Jack shooting up about 3” in the last couple of months. They are all towering over me!

And...we finished the last months of the year with a huge move! We sold our house and moved into our RV. I’ve been asked so many times...how’s that working for ya? 🤭. Maybe it isn’t meant to be sarcastic but comes across that way 😬. Actually, it’s been great...very freeing! We sold most everything we own. We still have a 10 x 10 storage unit with some items that will be evaluated come springtime but for the most part we sold all of our household contents and moved into the RV...only having on hand the things we truly need. We have spent a lot of time in Cookeville with the holidays and as much time as we can in East Tennessee. We are looking forward to springtime and what that will look like for us being full time in the RV. You only live once...might as well go for it. Quit wishing and waiting and thinking and debating. Just go for it! Go try that new job. Sell your stuff...you can always buy more. Take that trip you’ve always wanted to take. For us we felt like a slave to our house. A slave to the upkeep, yard work, cleaning and clutter. No doubt the lifestyle we are choosing isn’t for everyone but there is something out there you have always thought about doing. Go for it! 

Here’s to 2019! We kickoff the New Year with an 18 year old. There is no better way to spend the New Year than remembering that precious day he arrived. Praying this year we are a blessing wherever we are. That we embrace time and opportunities as a family. That we are intentional with our time. That we are careful with our words. That we are encouraging and uplifting with one another and others. That we laugh often. Pray without ceasing. Not take ourselves too serious and just enjoy life. Live it. Embrace it. Love it. ~ Blessings to you in the New Year

The Orchestra Is Playing Our Song...

It’s 3 a.m and I am wide awake and in complete awe of what has transpired over the last few days. We set out in complete disbelief that anything would happen only to see God’s orchestra play. As if he was waiting for us to take that one step in order to set the instruments in motion. The music started playing and one after another they all came into perfect tune together. I close my eyes....I see him with his arms in motion in front of that orchestra. Pointing here and there as if to say your turn...now yours. My God is magnificent❤️

Some will call us crazy...mainly my family. That’s ok! What we are setting out to do is a life of less. Less junk...less stuff...less want and setting out on a journey of more time...more freedom...more life...and more adventure.  Things won’t be perfect but they aren’t perfect inside the four walls we call home now. There will be days ...and there are those “days” now. Yes we will still work jobs and run our businesses but it will be just tweaked a bit! Our kids still do their normal things for now...life still happens. Our family will be mobile. We are simplifying “our” way of being for this time in our life. How long will it last? I don’t know 6 months..1 year...6 years...20 years? Whatever it is I’m going to embrace it. They sell houses everyday! The sell stuff everyday! We may never go back to sticks and bricks. I don’t know! So the awesome part...still in shock part ...is we listed our house on Friday and got our first offer on Saturday. I mean what? Final offer agreed upon on Tuesday. We come from a list of having houses that sat on the market for year(s). Complete awe and disbelief! Well guess what...I’ve had my car for sale for a month also. What day did someone show up at my house to buy my car out of the blue...Tuesday. David and I flat out hit our knees and praised God! We didn’t just wake up last Friday and say ...hey let’s sell everything we own and be nomads 😂. Although some will think that 😳. There was much time and thought and prayer over this decision. Prayer over our children and the impact or devastation it would have on them. They are excited ...ok 3 our of 4 are excited. The 4th is coming around. What a memory they will have and what stories to tell their children and grandchildren one day. At worst they can say “my parents were crazy and made us...”🤣...we will embrace that too. What good is life without a little crazy mixed in to all this serious business. Life is complicated and hard enough...we just want to lessen the load. Feed our souls. Expand our minds. Dream with our eyes and most of all LISTEN! We’ve only just begun. Stay tuned!

We’ve Only Just Begun...

Isn’t it so true the older we get the days, weeks, months get shorter and shorter. Here recently I’ve been somewhat dwelling on this. I turn around on Thursday and I’m like...goodness

another week just flew by. There are lots of things in this life that get us thinking but for us this has really been settling in hard in our thoughts and conversations around the house. I guess part of it is Dylan will be 18 in a few “short” months. Mason soon to turn 16...I mean they should still be babies right? We talk about life and dreams. Things we thought we would do before our kids started leaving the nest and BAM 💥💥 we are here. Not that we are kicking him out anytime soon unless he’s ready to go fly on his own but ya know...my first baby will be 18! We thought there would be more adventures to take before this time came and man ...we are here! In the thick of emotions and wanting to turn back time just a little. Time is precious. A commodity not to be taken lightly or for granted. David lost his dad at the age of 60. S-I-X-T-Y... David is 45. You better believe there are days we feel like we are wasting. Not living to the potential God put us on this earth for. Slaves to a lot of things ...house payments, car payments, insurance premiums...doing all you can to stay ahead of the game of life. We’ve decided it’s time to live. It’s time to go after those dreams that were shoved to the side. The dreams that society tells you aren’t possible. The things that nobody does because you are supposed to own that house, those cars, have that high paying job... the bigger the better right. Adventure is out there! Life is out there! Unless you are privy to winning the lottery people don’t just take off and go travel, see, explore...LIVE! We feel like its all backwards. Life is now with our kids while they are young-ish. Life is now because we don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Will we have a tomorrow? We put a lot of stress on ourselves with jobs we don’t love, bills we loathe and houses we work ourselves to death to keep clean. Maybe we don’t need so much. Maybe when you have less ...you actually have more. Just maybe....we’ve only just begun. Stay tuned!

Okay isn’t courageous..

I feel I have abandoned my blog. It’s been a year 😳 since I last wrote. WOW! Time flies...life is crazy...busy, stressful, new jobs, new businesses, homeschooling...but when I looked back on my last two entries I realized how much I miss writing. Good or bad I don’t care..if it helps someone else like it helps me then it’s a win! Most of the time there is no direction with this blog simply our life, what we are going through. Sometimes it a whole entry on something I heard...that’s what brought me here today. 

We were watching a show a couple days ago and someone said “Worry is a bully. It only takes and never gives.” This was profound to me. I had never thought of worry as a bully but this has stuck with me. It is so true! Worry...worry has ALWAYS been something I’ve struggled with. I remember it being exacerbated when David’s Dad died of cancer. After that every ache and pain anyone had..not just me..i found myself in worry and fear. For a long time it was not a good place. Not a peaceful place. At times now I find myself right back there in an instant. It’s frightening, overwhelming and a helpless feeling. Knowing at that time I have to seek God. I have to seek his truth because those feeling are not of Him. I always say I know how the devil likes to come after me. He knows our weaknesses and loves to aggravate and agitate us in those areas. God brought me through some very difficult times of depression and feeling of inadequacy. I had lost a lot of joy in my life. Dwelling on the “what if’s” instead of the blessing in front of me. 

The last six months or so have been a time of wandering. Yes “wandering” ...not “wondering”. Feeling that our direction is supposed to shift. That we are supposed to be moving in a different direction but let’s be honest we get comfortable. But in that comfortable there has been great animosity of feeling uncomfortable. Make sense? 😂 We has gotten so comfortable with the day to day that we found ourselves looking at each other and asking the question “what are we doing?”. Not liking the place we are in because we stopped seeking. We stopped listening. We stopped searching. We gave up... so where do we go? Great thing about my God is he never gives up on me. He’s a very patient God but sometimes he has to shake us up to wake us up. For us it’s time to wake up. It’s time to get back to the root of His plan for us. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t know what that is. I will never know until I seek, ask and give him control. I will never know until I lay it all at his feet and say “here it is Lord”. I am yours. I may have been wandering but as long as I wander back to Him is all that matters. It’s so easy to become complacent...it’s not always easy to step out in faith. God gave me 4 beautiful boys to raise into men...Is that my sole reason for walking this earth? Maybe! But maybe there is something else...I sure don’t want to miss out on every possibility he has for me. It’s time to quit giving up on those bold prayers we had prayed for so long. It’s time to quit giving up on what’s next. It’s time to quit being okay with where we are. Okay isn’t courageous ❤️

Pursuing

For a while it feels we've just been living. Feeling a little uncertain about our surroundings for almost two years. Things just don't feel right...like we are simply here...not thriving...just surviving. A recent sermon had me in tears. I've stopped pursuing God. I've stopped searching and looking and fasting and praying like I need to be. I've stopped spending time on my knees in TOTAL surrender to Him. We felt called a few years ago...called away. We searched...a little...and because it wasn't easy...we gave up. This is comfortable ...home, family, it's what we know. The kids are in routines. They've got friends. We would disrupt everything we know. What hit me in the face is...it's the whole reason we exist. My comfort should not be my first priority. My children's comfort should not be my first priority. My priorities lie with my King and Father. The souls lost because I stopped or don't pursue is not ok. I have this nagging feeling of certainty that I am supposed to be doing something ..that "we" are supposed to be doing something but for the life of me the "what" is the thing I don't know. I truly believe that as I get back to pursuing my God...he will show us the path. He will show us the way...maybe it wasn't the right time. Maybe it is now...maybe not. It's so easy and yet so hard to be comfortable. Comfortable with my four walls...when walls are built every day. My comfort should be in my Jesus. He knows all and controls all. I just need to trust all! 

"...let us lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us." Hebrews 12:1

Words may fail...my God never will

This has been my state of mind the last few weeks. Things have been trying. Physically I have been in a battle and it has taken all I've had to fight it. Exhaustion, confusion, uncertainty, putting myself in others shoes on how they have felt, clinging to hope and God's unfailing love and promises. But I'm human. My mind often wins leaving me feeling defeated and helpless. My heart says search deeper for the truth that you know. My God never fails me he never gives up on me and he never lets me down. As a Christian I know I'm in a win win situation. My God is my God and whatever this life may hold he is in control. My God is able. He can abundantly go above and beyond anything we can ever imagine. We will face trials in the life leaving us feeling helpless alone and wandering. It's the human flesh that keeps us wandering. It's the spiritual love and promises that keep us in awe, keep us going, keep us hopeful.

Being confident about ourselves is one thing. Being confident in Christ is another. Knowing that he has the answers to everything and we only need to believe. Confident that he is God, creator, sustainer, father...the king most high the redeemer, wise counselor in all we do. This life....this life is simply a mist. Often times finding myself struggling with the day to day feeling like I have no direction.  I don't know what 10 years from now I'll be doing on this day but the planner in me wants to know. Confident...I only need to be confident in today. Confident to know that my Savior reigns. My Savior is. My Savior knows and sees all. Every hair on my head he knows. Every breath I take he knows. Every emotion, fear, joy, smile, heartache...he knows without me saying a word. Tomorrow I can pray and ask for that confidence to know that he holds the day. No amount of planning, worry, guilt or fear can change the outcome. My God can. Being confident in who he created me to be as daughter, sister, wife and mother. Knowing that all I have to do is call on Him even when I have no words. My Jesus knows. Lifting his name up is one of the easiest things I could ever do but sometimes it's the last thing I do. Instead of taking it to him I choose to dwell, worry and complain. Things that have become even more evident to me ...life is too short. I've wasted a lot of time trying to figure things out that I have no control over. I've decided it's time to spend my time enjoying moments more, spending with the ones I hold near and dear making memories that will last someone else's lifetime. 

To my Valentine...

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:7‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Love...it's a crazy wonderful frightening thing. We've been together for 20 years...married almost 19. We were babies in love. You don't think you could ever be more in love than you were then but that love has just grown and evolved with time. Precious time...Something you never want to take for granted. When I think about true love..it isn't the flowers or chocolate. It isn't the things you buy. It's the commitment. It's the respect you have for each other. It's the moments you share through the good the bad and the ugly. The right words when you are feeling down. The hug when you feel worn out. The hand to hold when you just want them to know. The encouragement. The teamwork. Whether it's working together in business or cleaning up 3 a.m. throw up. True love...catching each other when we fall and lifting each other back up again. It's so easy to see everyone's highlight reels these days with social media. You see the perfect, grand, splendor of each other's lives. The "perfect" couple with the "perfect" life. But I believe anyone would say ...marriage is hard. Raising kids is hard. Life is hard. It's a journey that hopefully you grow in. It's a commitment. We've seen our highs and we've seen our lows and often times those valleys have strengthened our marriage beyond belief and made us just a little bit tougher but more in love than ever. Things that you wish you didn't have to go through but look back and see God was working. His hand was there bringing you closer together. But one thing that has really hit home with me here lately is how precious our time is. To think that 20 years has flown by is crazy...that we have four boys and our oldest is 16! I pray I never take our time for granted. That I never go a day without letting you know how much I love you. That a day will not go by that I don't thank God for you. You work so hard for your family. Always putting us first. You do whatever you can to make sure I can be here for these boys. You go the extra mile in everything to make sure it's done right. True Love! We don't know how long we will walk this earth but I pray that the days I am here that I'm walking with you. That the moments we share will be forever cherished. You are my True Love. The "things" of this world are just "things" ...True Love, respect, commitment, marriage, family...those things cannot be bought. I love you David! May God bless your hands that work so hard. May God bless you with peace and trust to know that he has this. Our job is to simply trust! There is no way to put a price on what we have. We may not be rich in money and things but My Jesus has blessed me well beyond what I deserve. He's given me you and our boys...for that I am so grateful...no gold or silver or amount of money could ever compare! ❤