Pursuing

For a while it feels we've just been living. Feeling a little uncertain about our surroundings for almost two years. Things just don't feel right...like we are simply here...not thriving...just surviving. A recent sermon had me in tears. I've stopped pursuing God. I've stopped searching and looking and fasting and praying like I need to be. I've stopped spending time on my knees in TOTAL surrender to Him. We felt called a few years ago...called away. We searched...a little...and because it wasn't easy...we gave up. This is comfortable ...home, family, it's what we know. The kids are in routines. They've got friends. We would disrupt everything we know. What hit me in the face is...it's the whole reason we exist. My comfort should not be my first priority. My children's comfort should not be my first priority. My priorities lie with my King and Father. The souls lost because I stopped or don't pursue is not ok. I have this nagging feeling of certainty that I am supposed to be doing something ..that "we" are supposed to be doing something but for the life of me the "what" is the thing I don't know. I truly believe that as I get back to pursuing my God...he will show us the path. He will show us the way...maybe it wasn't the right time. Maybe it is now...maybe not. It's so easy and yet so hard to be comfortable. Comfortable with my four walls...when walls are built every day. My comfort should be in my Jesus. He knows all and controls all. I just need to trust all! 

"...let us lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us." Hebrews 12:1

Words may fail...my God never will

This has been my state of mind the last few weeks. Things have been trying. Physically I have been in a battle and it has taken all I've had to fight it. Exhaustion, confusion, uncertainty, putting myself in others shoes on how they have felt, clinging to hope and God's unfailing love and promises. But I'm human. My mind often wins leaving me feeling defeated and helpless. My heart says search deeper for the truth that you know. My God never fails me he never gives up on me and he never lets me down. As a Christian I know I'm in a win win situation. My God is my God and whatever this life may hold he is in control. My God is able. He can abundantly go above and beyond anything we can ever imagine. We will face trials in the life leaving us feeling helpless alone and wandering. It's the human flesh that keeps us wandering. It's the spiritual love and promises that keep us in awe, keep us going, keep us hopeful.

Being confident about ourselves is one thing. Being confident in Christ is another. Knowing that he has the answers to everything and we only need to believe. Confident that he is God, creator, sustainer, father...the king most high the redeemer, wise counselor in all we do. This life....this life is simply a mist. Often times finding myself struggling with the day to day feeling like I have no direction.  I don't know what 10 years from now I'll be doing on this day but the planner in me wants to know. Confident...I only need to be confident in today. Confident to know that my Savior reigns. My Savior is. My Savior knows and sees all. Every hair on my head he knows. Every breath I take he knows. Every emotion, fear, joy, smile, heartache...he knows without me saying a word. Tomorrow I can pray and ask for that confidence to know that he holds the day. No amount of planning, worry, guilt or fear can change the outcome. My God can. Being confident in who he created me to be as daughter, sister, wife and mother. Knowing that all I have to do is call on Him even when I have no words. My Jesus knows. Lifting his name up is one of the easiest things I could ever do but sometimes it's the last thing I do. Instead of taking it to him I choose to dwell, worry and complain. Things that have become even more evident to me ...life is too short. I've wasted a lot of time trying to figure things out that I have no control over. I've decided it's time to spend my time enjoying moments more, spending with the ones I hold near and dear making memories that will last someone else's lifetime. 

To my Valentine...

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:7‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Love...it's a crazy wonderful frightening thing. We've been together for 20 years...married almost 19. We were babies in love. You don't think you could ever be more in love than you were then but that love has just grown and evolved with time. Precious time...Something you never want to take for granted. When I think about true love..it isn't the flowers or chocolate. It isn't the things you buy. It's the commitment. It's the respect you have for each other. It's the moments you share through the good the bad and the ugly. The right words when you are feeling down. The hug when you feel worn out. The hand to hold when you just want them to know. The encouragement. The teamwork. Whether it's working together in business or cleaning up 3 a.m. throw up. True love...catching each other when we fall and lifting each other back up again. It's so easy to see everyone's highlight reels these days with social media. You see the perfect, grand, splendor of each other's lives. The "perfect" couple with the "perfect" life. But I believe anyone would say ...marriage is hard. Raising kids is hard. Life is hard. It's a journey that hopefully you grow in. It's a commitment. We've seen our highs and we've seen our lows and often times those valleys have strengthened our marriage beyond belief and made us just a little bit tougher but more in love than ever. Things that you wish you didn't have to go through but look back and see God was working. His hand was there bringing you closer together. But one thing that has really hit home with me here lately is how precious our time is. To think that 20 years has flown by is crazy...that we have four boys and our oldest is 16! I pray I never take our time for granted. That I never go a day without letting you know how much I love you. That a day will not go by that I don't thank God for you. You work so hard for your family. Always putting us first. You do whatever you can to make sure I can be here for these boys. You go the extra mile in everything to make sure it's done right. True Love! We don't know how long we will walk this earth but I pray that the days I am here that I'm walking with you. That the moments we share will be forever cherished. You are my True Love. The "things" of this world are just "things" ...True Love, respect, commitment, marriage, family...those things cannot be bought. I love you David! May God bless your hands that work so hard. May God bless you with peace and trust to know that he has this. Our job is to simply trust! There is no way to put a price on what we have. We may not be rich in money and things but My Jesus has blessed me well beyond what I deserve. He's given me you and our boys...for that I am so grateful...no gold or silver or amount of money could ever compare! ❤

Everlasting promises...

Sorrow..Brokenness..No words..Just pure shattered hearts. Losing someone is one of the hardest things you will encounter. The human flesh cries out in despair. No words are sufficient. Nothing takes the pain away. The loss. The ending of a life. I can't imagine the pain some around us are feeling at this time. Even when you know your loved one is in Christ's arms it's the suddenness that shatters you. What if? I should have....I could have. If only...things we don't understand this side of heaven. Why one gets cancer, why another suffers, one is hurting silently, tragic accidents occur. Hearts are breaking and lives are forever changed. When your only assurance is in the Creator who made all things and knows all things. One can only pray that the pain endured can further His kingdom in some way. Jesus wrap your arms around them. Hold them. Love them. Keep them close Jesus. Do not let them fall away from you. Let them see you clearly in the days ahead. Let them rest in your embrace and your everlasting promises. You never leave us nor forsake us. Jesus we plead you intercede with peace and comfort. When there are no words dear God there is you. A Savior who bled and died so this broken flesh may live.

Endure...

I'm feeling burdened. I don't exactly know why but I feel a weight. Maybe it comes from the day to day junk going on...I don't know. Do you ever have that feeling? When you just want to crawl back in your four walls and pretend the outside world doesn't exist. Pretend like everything is perfect and blissful. But it just isn't so. You know the verse...“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

1 Corinthians‬ ‭10:13‬ ‭NIV‬‬

So much truth in this but also a truth that goes misunderstood or overlooked...."God will not give me more than I can handle"....as long as I truly know Him. All this "stuff" this "junk" this overwhelming sense of dread and the heavy burdens can only be managed...can only be tolerable...with Christ by your side. Life is not always grand and great. If it wasn't for my Savior and my daily asking for grace, mercy and forgiveness how would I ever make it through? When I can't see an end in site or when the world is just too heavy to bear...this world is not my home. We are in a season of great hatred in this world. When my naive self wants to live in harmony but the rest of the world is ready to spread hate and discouragement in every direction. Let me just say I am so thankful my God is a forgiving God. That he doesn't hold my past against me. That the words, actions and deeds of my past are gone through His forgiveness. Thank you Jesus I am not who I was 10, 15, 20 years ago. That he forgives me daily for the sinner that I am. I am owed nothing and deserve nothing in this life. This life...this hard place to bear...this burdened life...this overwhelming dread...isn't my end. There will be no end when I enter the kingdom of God. The world as I will know it then will be perfect. Bodies will be made new and whole and these burdens will no longer be. I can only tolerate the burdens of here and now with my Jesus. 

Decrease so I may increase...you've heard it before. The verse in John “He must become greater; I must become less.””

John‬ ‭3:30‬ 

What does that really mean. To be less. To be more. To be this or be that. To say this or to say that. Sometimes it means to do nothing. So many times we want to say something in our belief to be right. We want to lash back at some comment or post and say "what planet are you living on because I don't think it's Earth" ...but this decrease so I may increase may just mean to hold your tongue in anger and abide by Grace. To pray for matters and individuals at hand. To become less self-righteous "for the cause" and maybe take a deeper look at scripture. My God is a big God. A God who knows every thread of time from beginning to end. He knows the days of suffering as well as the days of joy. Will you put your faith in Him or this world? 

Diamonds and Pearls...

When you don't want diamond and pearls...

When what you are longing for is a simple life with your family around you. A chance to make a living and enjoy being together. Sometimes life isn't designed that way and every day seems like a struggle. A struggle for survival. To keep your head above water and make it to the next day. When your prayers is "Lord, grant us provision for the day". Life's hard. When the cars in the shop, you are hit with an unexpected medical bill and the new job just isn't providing because the other job took a huge pay cut. It's life! The days will fail me but my God never will. Despite what is going on in my world or your world. God is here! He's patiently waiting for me to lay the day at his feet saying "Lord, I can't do this on my own. I can't make sense of it. I can't figure out why. It's yours, Lord. I give this worry, this anxiety, this fear over to you." I don't know of anyone who gets to walk through this life without having the daily thought of Why, when or how?  "Life is like a box of chocolates" as Forrest Gump would say..."you never know what you are going to get". Isn't it the truth! Life is filled with trials and temptations that we don't always understand. But we aren't supposed to always understand. Sometimes we can't see what is around the next corner and what God may have planned. Leading one trial into a multitude of blessings. If life were easy we wouldn't seek our Heavenly Father. It would be much easier to go about my day living my life the way I wanted and the way I, I, I saw fit. There's a problem with that sentence. Too many I's and not enough God. It's a daily struggle of seeking after my human flesh desires versus my Fathers plan. Too many times I'm seeking my own answer instead of seeking God's plan. The energy that is wasted spending on worrying and "trying to figure it out" rather than hitting my knees and just asking for help. Seeking God's desire and His will. 

I really don't want diamonds and pearls. I'm just not that kind of girl. I want simple. I'd live on a farm if I thought we could make it. David and I just had this conversation on our drive to Texas last weekend. (Long drives are good for our marriage) I told him when we were first married I felt certain we would farm. He was raised on a farm and my grandparents had farmed for a living. It was a simple way of life...or so I thought as a child! Ha...so much work in that! Life didn't take us in that direction. Some day we would love to have a few acres...but then again it would just be more to take care of. What's important to me right now are my boys. A lot of my time and energy is focused on them. Some would praise me for it and some ridicule. Do I give them too much of me?...Maybe. Will I ever regret this time spent with them...I don't think so. My babies are growing and growing fast. I've got a short window to mold and encourage them before we send them out into this great big world. I'm not a sink or swim kindof girl. I like to prepare them for life's hiccups, adventures and disappointments. I want to be there to cheer them on but also to catch them when they fall. I don't ever want them to feel like they can't come to me for advice and support. I want them to know I'm here for them for as long as God lets me.  An ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on. To me there is nothing better than a hug from my momma. A real hug. The one that says "I love you with every breath I take. More than you can ever imagine." The same love my Heavenly Father has for me and you. Knowing that he loves us no matter what. He loves us in spite of our insecurities, anxieties and worries. He always there waiting for us!