Overwhelmed...

Today I sat on my little swing on the back porch and was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by what? Tears just started to fall. Like an urgency I needed to be close to my father. My Heavenly Father. To feel his presence to know he was there. All I could do was say his name. "Jesus, Jesus"...Lord I want to be bold. Lord I don't want to wander. Lord I want to know. Lord let me be strong. Let me be courageous. Not self-seeking. Lord you've given me a big job. A great big job at being mom to these four boys and wife to my husband. Let me do it well. Let me embrace what you've called me to be. Lord I feel like there is so much more. A reason I am uneasy. A reason I am not comfortable. Just show me...

Maybe it's the start of the school year jitters. Getting ready to embark on 4 different routines of school schedules. Some days it's overwhelming. But I prayerfully know Gods plan is in place in following his prompting years ago. Lord just let me do it well. Let me have patience when needed. Encouraging daily to strive to be who God created us to be. I often let the ideas of the things I "should be doing" overshadow the blessing of the things we already are doing. We won't ever have it mastered perfectly and I dare not try for perfection or I'm sure to be let down. I can only give it to God daily. Hourly. By the minute. 

As for the tears. I feel God stirring. We've been on this journey of seeking his will for a long time. It's a never ending journey but when you are restless you feel an urgency to know. What's next? Patience is often hard. Patience can be overwhelming. I see it as a path...a beautiful garden with stepping stones. Sometimes two or three stones are laid at once and you can't wait to reach the next one. Sometimes you stand on that last stone for a while...years, months, weeks, days, hours...praying...waiting...listening...watching....when will the next stone appear? Where is the path going? God knows. I just have to trust. Waiting on the next stepping stone on the path he would have us take. For years I was afraid to follow that prompting. So afraid of making the wrong decision or going down the wrong path. I've come to realize there are a lot of paths in this life. Some are hard. Some are easy but God has led us down each one for a reason. Sometimes those reasons aren't immediately clear. Some paths have taken us full circle back to where we started. Maybe it's a do-over. God is faithful. I have to seek and I have to trust. And one day...in HIS timing he will show us the path. That great big winding path....I can see it! Milestone events of brokenness and victory of perseverance and growth. I wait! Seeking. Knowing he will show us the way! The victory is all HIS we just have to be ready to stand for the battle! "Jesus, Jesus"

Regrets...

Life is full of them. At some point you will regret something you did, the way you handled a situation, a missed opportunity, something you said...regret is something I have struggled with. More so....I've struggled with forgiveness. For a long time I lived with regret. I had asked forgiveness for past deed(s) but the regret was still there. Why did I do this? Why did I do that? I was unable to let it go. I was unable to say "Lord, your grace is sufficient." I walked a long, hard, lonely road of dealing with a mental and emotional war that went on inside of me. 

2 Chronicles 7:14

"...if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."

Could I move forward. Was I really worthy of his forgiveness. I trust Him! I love Him! A Christ who paid the price. Paid the price for my sin. I'm not worthy...

Mark 11:24

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

Moving past regret is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. No matter how many times I would try to move past the devil would grab hold of my heart and tell me I was unworthy...

Luke 11:9

"...Ask and it will be given to you: seek and you will find: knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives: he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

I had to open my heart to forgiveness. I had to know that God had forgiven me. I had to move forward if I truly believed what His Word said. Did I truly trust and believe?

1 John 1:9

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

FAITHFUL AND JUST!

FOLLOW HIM! Follow him and do not stray. Follow him and your burdens will be light. Follow him and let him guide you DAILY. Don't lose sight of the prize. DO NOT let Satan grab hold of your heart, mind and body and lead you astray. Stay the course. Seek Him in ALL things. Learn from my mistakes....and when he does creep his way in like a thief to steal what God has given fall on your face before God and pray for wisdom and strength! 

Philippians 3:13-14

"...Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on..."

Persevere...

Sometimes it's just hard to persevere. The days when you want to say "Lord, I quit" while waiting on answers and decisions. Hebrews 10:35-36

"So do not throw away your confidence, it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."

When my confidence is down it is not of the Lord. Satan wants me to lose sight and lose hope but my faith must stand firm. 

Hebrews 11:1

"Now faith is being sure of what I hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Hebrews 12:1

"...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfect or of our faith..."

When my faith is down its time to dig in. Dig in to Gods word and what he teaches me so that I don't lose sight of his promises. That I can fulfill his will and follow his plan. Releasing all the feelings of doubt and fear. 

The waiting is the hardest. The learning while we wait. The growing that is taking place in the waiting. His light will shine during this time and patience will grow. It's so easy to dwell on what we are waiting on. So easy to consume our thought and our attitudes. These are the times I cry out for mercy in this area and I seek him through it. That I pray through the situation but I don't lose sight of the moment I am in. That I place it at the feet of my Savior who knows all. He knows the outcome...I must have faith in what I cannot see. I must have faith in the waiting.

A favorite James 1:3-4

"...because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Stand Firm. Have Faith. Seek Jesus!

Where...oh where!

Where oh where did the school year go? I can't believe we are already closing out another year in our home of school. I also can't believe that my first born...my first baby...the littlest who taught me to be a momma will be a sophomore next year. How is it possible we are closing out his freshman year. I blinked and here we are. All those days and years of thinking the diapers and feedings would never end and here we are... Some days I'd go back... To rocking and cooing and playing peek a boo! But oh the joyous gift I've been given to see these boys grow. Grow into bright young men...leaders...they will forge their own path in their own way but seeing God's presence in their life is such a blessing to me. Maybe I've (we've) done something right after all! Seeing the fruits of your labor come to fruition is an amazing sight and most of all a gift. Keep pouring into them. Keep pestering them. Keep praying with them. Keep loving them. Keep lifting your hands high to Jesus praying FOR them. My Jesus I praise you!

He's driving you know...that littlest. Learning to maneuvering in more ways than one in this great big world. I'm so thankful I'm here to help teach him. Some days I feel like he's driving Ms. Daisy and some day it may be that way. He will have to drive his old gray haired momma around. I'll be proud! Some days I'm in disbelief at the season we are in. The life that we've been given but as fleeting as it is I don't want to miss it. I don't want to miss the things that matter. To me...that matter the most. My beautiful boys...the laughter that fills our house...the silliness...the smiles...God granted me the desires of my heart! I'm so thankful!

Rest...

Sometimes I have to detach. I have to step away. The things of this world are so heavy and burdensome at times. People from a distance are going through so much. People up close are dealing with pain and loss. Sometimes I wear the burden and it's heavy. I breathe in all the anguish and fear of the unknown until it hits a point. Then I have to step away. Is that selfish? Maybe...but sometimes for the sake of my family and myself you just have to take time to breathe. Social Media seems to be the worst. A wonderful way to keep up with family and friends but horrible for every other thing that pops up negative that is happening around us. No, you cannot ignore these things and we need to be aware of events but I have to step back and see that my hope is not of this world. It's never going to be easy while we are here.  "All my deserts are rivers of joy". As a believer I know that this is all temporary...this is all a desert and one day we will meet those rivers of joy with no suffering, loss, fear, anxiety, torment and failure. We will reach the Holy kingdom where we will live in joyous praise for our King and Creator. Sometimes it is so hard to hear above the noise. Seeking Him daily for survival, answers and comfort. There is only one place to find rest...at the feet of my savior. So whatever you are going through....find your rest through Him. Find your peace in his presence....and breathe it in.

Sour Patch...

God is so good all the time but a few days ago I found myself in a sour patch. God has answered prayer after prayer. He has blessed us above and beyond.  But I found myself mentally stuck. Stuck with aggravation at things that were out of my control. Stuck with aggravation of life in general.  But I'm reminded daily just how good God is. Lately the song that has me singing at the top of my lungs at the red light is Chris Tomlin's "Good Good Father"

"You're a good good Father
It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are

And I'm loved by You
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am"

He reminds me daily...sometimes multiple time of who I am and what I have been called to be. I am His. He reminds me. He shows me. He re-assures me... I'm not in this journey alone. 

"Oh, I've heard a thousand stories
Of what they think You're like
But I've heard the tender whisper
Of love in the dead of night
And You tell me that You're pleased
And that I'm never alone"

I know that when I need answers I don't have to look far. When I need the peace and calm that only He can provide....he's always near. When things are tough and Satan creeps in to steal the joy...he's still near. He's still here waiting, listening...knowing. 

"Oh, and I've seen many searching
For answers far and wide
But I know we're all searching
For answers only You provide
‘Cause You know just what we need
Before we say a word"

He's a good good Father. He picks me up and wraps me in His arms. He comforts and consoles. He knows! 

"Cause You are perfect in all of Your ways
You are perfect in all of Your ways
You are perfect in all of Your ways to us"

That sour patch is Satan. He's working his way into my day creating doubts and fears of things that don't matter. He's there stealing love and joy out of our home. He's there whispering the lies of this world. He's there telling me I'm not worthy. He's there insisting I be doubtful and unhappy. He's there telling me I'm not enough. He's there.......but so is my Father with arms open wide reminding me I'm loved by Him. That no matter what this world throws my way. No matter what each day brings my future is secure with Him. My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness. He is my sustainer. He is my redeemer...

"You're a good good Father
It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are
And I'm loved by You
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am"

New Year...New You(s)

As the New Year rolls around we are ready to make those changes. Those things that have been on our hearts and minds ..sometimes it's the woulda shoulda couldas...and sometimes it's overwhelming to me. I'm a planner. I like to see what's coming and plan the outcome before it happens. Of course, that doesn't always work. When the outcome that I don't plan happens frustration often sets in.  This year I want to focus on Gods plan for me...for us! Often times I have a word for the new year. Something that I want to be intentional on working on. This year it's more of a phrase...."Be Open To Change". I don't necessarily like change. As a planner I'm not great at deviating from the plan. This is something I often struggle with daily. I feel God urging me and telling me to be open to change. Be ready. Embrace it. Encourage it. Honestly change scares me. So I guess this is a growth period. A time of putting faith in God and know that whatever change comes our way I have to trust Him. I have to know that he is able...Not me. I have to fully trust that he sustains me...not the other way around. I have to truly seek Him...to be close to Him...to hear Him and most of all...I have to listen. I have been good at dismissing the urges God often places on my heart. It's not the right time. It's not the right place. Not now God. I can't do that God. Don't change the plan...please! When I am sure I have missed many blessings by being unwilling to deviate from "my plan". I want to embrace Gods plan whether it's a hard situation or an easy one. I want to be intentional in seeking his will in everything and when he answers...whether good, bad, scary, exciting or challenging ...that I embrace it. That I run with open arms saying "what's next Lord"... My prayer is that we seek Him but that we also allow Him to seek us in 2016. Boys this life isn't easy. It's not a gravy train. We fight hard for what we have and fight even harder to hold onto what we've got.  But, it's by Gods grace we are who we are. We are a family of 6...doing things a little different than most. We are in this together...thick or thin...good or bad. Embracing the time we have with you and making the most of the days we've got...because they are numbered! Life is short....and everyday needs to be lived intentionally. Let's Be Open To Change...spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally...as a family!