Looking Back....

There are some years you are ready to leave behind. Not that everything about this year was bad or hard. There were so many amazing and exciting moments but there were also some very hard moments. Why is that the hard moments are so much easier to remember than the good. Because they were hard? Because you are wishing them away? I don’t want to dwell on the bad but I will share a little of what was going on within our walls. Our New Year always starts out with a bang! It’s meet season which means traveling and a busy schedule. With Noah and Mason both competing last year it was extra busy but fun. We got to take our first trip to Chicago and we took the whole family! This was tons of fun and the pizza wasn’t bad either 😏. We had so much fun exploring and walking the city...truly trying to experience the big city. We get to go back in a couple of weeks and we are excited to return! The boys had a great season as as always this momma loves watching any of her boys do what they love. 

Early spring brought on some difficult trials. Noah’s trip to the hospital that resulted in an ambulance ride to Vanderbilt and surgery to follow was the beginning of some difficult moments, months and time for us. For Noah the trauma didn’t stop when we left the hospital. We’ve had months of intense anxiety and worry. Moments where we just sat and cried together and all I could do was hold him until he finally calmed down. Moments of complete terror for him and helplessness for me. Nothing I could do could make these moments better and we just had to wait them out. I’ve prayed with him, for him and over him. Begging God to take this from him and give it to me. My happy go lucky child has become a constant worrier. Chewing his food and spitting it out in fear the same thing would happen again. Completely scared and worried about so many things...some so insignificant to the normal person but became obsessive for him. He has coping mechanisms...and when one passes another begins. I can only hope that with time and of course lots of prayer the anxiety and worry will subside.  That he will get relief from this and somehow get past the trauma of what he went through. So if you think of him pray for my sweet boy! Our episodes have been fewer and further between since we have moved. The crying for 2 hours and begging for it to just go away. The episodes of convincing himself something was wrong until the point he made himself sick. These episodes have gotten so much better. He still has worry and anxiety over every little thing. He still has issues with eating and spits food out afraid he will get choked. Sometimes these moments happen out of the blue and others I can see them coming. Our God is good! My boy is here and he is well and for that I am so thankful. Things could have been so much worse. 

The boys keep us moving. Mason with gymnastics. Jack has started CrossFit and is loving it. I love seeing him find something he enjoys. Dylan is still climbing all he can, working at Publix and he is a senior this year. So many emotions about that. He started his first college classes this past fall and is loving it. My baby is growing up but I love seeing them in this stage of life. There has also been massive growth in our family and growth I’m talking height 😂. Dylan is around 5’11 and Mason has caught him. Mason has gone from about 5’7 to 5’11 this year along with Jack shooting up about 3” in the last couple of months. They are all towering over me!

And...we finished the last months of the year with a huge move! We sold our house and moved into our RV. I’ve been asked so many times...how’s that working for ya? 🤭. Maybe it isn’t meant to be sarcastic but comes across that way 😬. Actually, it’s been great...very freeing! We sold most everything we own. We still have a 10 x 10 storage unit with some items that will be evaluated come springtime but for the most part we sold all of our household contents and moved into the RV...only having on hand the things we truly need. We have spent a lot of time in Cookeville with the holidays and as much time as we can in East Tennessee. We are looking forward to springtime and what that will look like for us being full time in the RV. You only live once...might as well go for it. Quit wishing and waiting and thinking and debating. Just go for it! Go try that new job. Sell your stuff...you can always buy more. Take that trip you’ve always wanted to take. For us we felt like a slave to our house. A slave to the upkeep, yard work, cleaning and clutter. No doubt the lifestyle we are choosing isn’t for everyone but there is something out there you have always thought about doing. Go for it! 

Here’s to 2019! We kickoff the New Year with an 18 year old. There is no better way to spend the New Year than remembering that precious day he arrived. Praying this year we are a blessing wherever we are. That we embrace time and opportunities as a family. That we are intentional with our time. That we are careful with our words. That we are encouraging and uplifting with one another and others. That we laugh often. Pray without ceasing. Not take ourselves too serious and just enjoy life. Live it. Embrace it. Love it. ~ Blessings to you in the New Year

The Orchestra Is Playing Our Song...

It’s 3 a.m and I am wide awake and in complete awe of what has transpired over the last few days. We set out in complete disbelief that anything would happen only to see God’s orchestra play. As if he was waiting for us to take that one step in order to set the instruments in motion. The music started playing and one after another they all came into perfect tune together. I close my eyes....I see him with his arms in motion in front of that orchestra. Pointing here and there as if to say your turn...now yours. My God is magnificent❤️

Some will call us crazy...mainly my family. That’s ok! What we are setting out to do is a life of less. Less junk...less stuff...less want and setting out on a journey of more time...more freedom...more life...and more adventure.  Things won’t be perfect but they aren’t perfect inside the four walls we call home now. There will be days ...and there are those “days” now. Yes we will still work jobs and run our businesses but it will be just tweaked a bit! Our kids still do their normal things for now...life still happens. Our family will be mobile. We are simplifying “our” way of being for this time in our life. How long will it last? I don’t know 6 months..1 year...6 years...20 years? Whatever it is I’m going to embrace it. They sell houses everyday! The sell stuff everyday! We may never go back to sticks and bricks. I don’t know! So the awesome part...still in shock part ...is we listed our house on Friday and got our first offer on Saturday. I mean what? Final offer agreed upon on Tuesday. We come from a list of having houses that sat on the market for year(s). Complete awe and disbelief! Well guess what...I’ve had my car for sale for a month also. What day did someone show up at my house to buy my car out of the blue...Tuesday. David and I flat out hit our knees and praised God! We didn’t just wake up last Friday and say ...hey let’s sell everything we own and be nomads 😂. Although some will think that 😳. There was much time and thought and prayer over this decision. Prayer over our children and the impact or devastation it would have on them. They are excited ...ok 3 our of 4 are excited. The 4th is coming around. What a memory they will have and what stories to tell their children and grandchildren one day. At worst they can say “my parents were crazy and made us...”🤣...we will embrace that too. What good is life without a little crazy mixed in to all this serious business. Life is complicated and hard enough...we just want to lessen the load. Feed our souls. Expand our minds. Dream with our eyes and most of all LISTEN! We’ve only just begun. Stay tuned!

We’ve Only Just Begun...

Isn’t it so true the older we get the days, weeks, months get shorter and shorter. Here recently I’ve been somewhat dwelling on this. I turn around on Thursday and I’m like...goodness

another week just flew by. There are lots of things in this life that get us thinking but for us this has really been settling in hard in our thoughts and conversations around the house. I guess part of it is Dylan will be 18 in a few “short” months. Mason soon to turn 16...I mean they should still be babies right? We talk about life and dreams. Things we thought we would do before our kids started leaving the nest and BAM 💥💥 we are here. Not that we are kicking him out anytime soon unless he’s ready to go fly on his own but ya know...my first baby will be 18! We thought there would be more adventures to take before this time came and man ...we are here! In the thick of emotions and wanting to turn back time just a little. Time is precious. A commodity not to be taken lightly or for granted. David lost his dad at the age of 60. S-I-X-T-Y... David is 45. You better believe there are days we feel like we are wasting. Not living to the potential God put us on this earth for. Slaves to a lot of things ...house payments, car payments, insurance premiums...doing all you can to stay ahead of the game of life. We’ve decided it’s time to live. It’s time to go after those dreams that were shoved to the side. The dreams that society tells you aren’t possible. The things that nobody does because you are supposed to own that house, those cars, have that high paying job... the bigger the better right. Adventure is out there! Life is out there! Unless you are privy to winning the lottery people don’t just take off and go travel, see, explore...LIVE! We feel like its all backwards. Life is now with our kids while they are young-ish. Life is now because we don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Will we have a tomorrow? We put a lot of stress on ourselves with jobs we don’t love, bills we loathe and houses we work ourselves to death to keep clean. Maybe we don’t need so much. Maybe when you have less ...you actually have more. Just maybe....we’ve only just begun. Stay tuned!

Okay isn’t courageous..

I feel I have abandoned my blog. It’s been a year 😳 since I last wrote. WOW! Time flies...life is crazy...busy, stressful, new jobs, new businesses, homeschooling...but when I looked back on my last two entries I realized how much I miss writing. Good or bad I don’t care..if it helps someone else like it helps me then it’s a win! Most of the time there is no direction with this blog simply our life, what we are going through. Sometimes it a whole entry on something I heard...that’s what brought me here today. 

We were watching a show a couple days ago and someone said “Worry is a bully. It only takes and never gives.” This was profound to me. I had never thought of worry as a bully but this has stuck with me. It is so true! Worry...worry has ALWAYS been something I’ve struggled with. I remember it being exacerbated when David’s Dad died of cancer. After that every ache and pain anyone had..not just me..i found myself in worry and fear. For a long time it was not a good place. Not a peaceful place. At times now I find myself right back there in an instant. It’s frightening, overwhelming and a helpless feeling. Knowing at that time I have to seek God. I have to seek his truth because those feeling are not of Him. I always say I know how the devil likes to come after me. He knows our weaknesses and loves to aggravate and agitate us in those areas. God brought me through some very difficult times of depression and feeling of inadequacy. I had lost a lot of joy in my life. Dwelling on the “what if’s” instead of the blessing in front of me. 

The last six months or so have been a time of wandering. Yes “wandering” ...not “wondering”. Feeling that our direction is supposed to shift. That we are supposed to be moving in a different direction but let’s be honest we get comfortable. But in that comfortable there has been great animosity of feeling uncomfortable. Make sense? 😂 We has gotten so comfortable with the day to day that we found ourselves looking at each other and asking the question “what are we doing?”. Not liking the place we are in because we stopped seeking. We stopped listening. We stopped searching. We gave up... so where do we go? Great thing about my God is he never gives up on me. He’s a very patient God but sometimes he has to shake us up to wake us up. For us it’s time to wake up. It’s time to get back to the root of His plan for us. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t know what that is. I will never know until I seek, ask and give him control. I will never know until I lay it all at his feet and say “here it is Lord”. I am yours. I may have been wandering but as long as I wander back to Him is all that matters. It’s so easy to become complacent...it’s not always easy to step out in faith. God gave me 4 beautiful boys to raise into men...Is that my sole reason for walking this earth? Maybe! But maybe there is something else...I sure don’t want to miss out on every possibility he has for me. It’s time to quit giving up on those bold prayers we had prayed for so long. It’s time to quit giving up on what’s next. It’s time to quit being okay with where we are. Okay isn’t courageous ❤️

Pursuing

For a while it feels we've just been living. Feeling a little uncertain about our surroundings for almost two years. Things just don't feel right...like we are simply here...not thriving...just surviving. A recent sermon had me in tears. I've stopped pursuing God. I've stopped searching and looking and fasting and praying like I need to be. I've stopped spending time on my knees in TOTAL surrender to Him. We felt called a few years ago...called away. We searched...a little...and because it wasn't easy...we gave up. This is comfortable ...home, family, it's what we know. The kids are in routines. They've got friends. We would disrupt everything we know. What hit me in the face is...it's the whole reason we exist. My comfort should not be my first priority. My children's comfort should not be my first priority. My priorities lie with my King and Father. The souls lost because I stopped or don't pursue is not ok. I have this nagging feeling of certainty that I am supposed to be doing something ..that "we" are supposed to be doing something but for the life of me the "what" is the thing I don't know. I truly believe that as I get back to pursuing my God...he will show us the path. He will show us the way...maybe it wasn't the right time. Maybe it is now...maybe not. It's so easy and yet so hard to be comfortable. Comfortable with my four walls...when walls are built every day. My comfort should be in my Jesus. He knows all and controls all. I just need to trust all! 

"...let us lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us." Hebrews 12:1

Words may fail...my God never will

This has been my state of mind the last few weeks. Things have been trying. Physically I have been in a battle and it has taken all I've had to fight it. Exhaustion, confusion, uncertainty, putting myself in others shoes on how they have felt, clinging to hope and God's unfailing love and promises. But I'm human. My mind often wins leaving me feeling defeated and helpless. My heart says search deeper for the truth that you know. My God never fails me he never gives up on me and he never lets me down. As a Christian I know I'm in a win win situation. My God is my God and whatever this life may hold he is in control. My God is able. He can abundantly go above and beyond anything we can ever imagine. We will face trials in the life leaving us feeling helpless alone and wandering. It's the human flesh that keeps us wandering. It's the spiritual love and promises that keep us in awe, keep us going, keep us hopeful.

Being confident about ourselves is one thing. Being confident in Christ is another. Knowing that he has the answers to everything and we only need to believe. Confident that he is God, creator, sustainer, father...the king most high the redeemer, wise counselor in all we do. This life....this life is simply a mist. Often times finding myself struggling with the day to day feeling like I have no direction.  I don't know what 10 years from now I'll be doing on this day but the planner in me wants to know. Confident...I only need to be confident in today. Confident to know that my Savior reigns. My Savior is. My Savior knows and sees all. Every hair on my head he knows. Every breath I take he knows. Every emotion, fear, joy, smile, heartache...he knows without me saying a word. Tomorrow I can pray and ask for that confidence to know that he holds the day. No amount of planning, worry, guilt or fear can change the outcome. My God can. Being confident in who he created me to be as daughter, sister, wife and mother. Knowing that all I have to do is call on Him even when I have no words. My Jesus knows. Lifting his name up is one of the easiest things I could ever do but sometimes it's the last thing I do. Instead of taking it to him I choose to dwell, worry and complain. Things that have become even more evident to me ...life is too short. I've wasted a lot of time trying to figure things out that I have no control over. I've decided it's time to spend my time enjoying moments more, spending with the ones I hold near and dear making memories that will last someone else's lifetime. 

To my Valentine...

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:7‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Love...it's a crazy wonderful frightening thing. We've been together for 20 years...married almost 19. We were babies in love. You don't think you could ever be more in love than you were then but that love has just grown and evolved with time. Precious time...Something you never want to take for granted. When I think about true love..it isn't the flowers or chocolate. It isn't the things you buy. It's the commitment. It's the respect you have for each other. It's the moments you share through the good the bad and the ugly. The right words when you are feeling down. The hug when you feel worn out. The hand to hold when you just want them to know. The encouragement. The teamwork. Whether it's working together in business or cleaning up 3 a.m. throw up. True love...catching each other when we fall and lifting each other back up again. It's so easy to see everyone's highlight reels these days with social media. You see the perfect, grand, splendor of each other's lives. The "perfect" couple with the "perfect" life. But I believe anyone would say ...marriage is hard. Raising kids is hard. Life is hard. It's a journey that hopefully you grow in. It's a commitment. We've seen our highs and we've seen our lows and often times those valleys have strengthened our marriage beyond belief and made us just a little bit tougher but more in love than ever. Things that you wish you didn't have to go through but look back and see God was working. His hand was there bringing you closer together. But one thing that has really hit home with me here lately is how precious our time is. To think that 20 years has flown by is crazy...that we have four boys and our oldest is 16! I pray I never take our time for granted. That I never go a day without letting you know how much I love you. That a day will not go by that I don't thank God for you. You work so hard for your family. Always putting us first. You do whatever you can to make sure I can be here for these boys. You go the extra mile in everything to make sure it's done right. True Love! We don't know how long we will walk this earth but I pray that the days I am here that I'm walking with you. That the moments we share will be forever cherished. You are my True Love. The "things" of this world are just "things" ...True Love, respect, commitment, marriage, family...those things cannot be bought. I love you David! May God bless your hands that work so hard. May God bless you with peace and trust to know that he has this. Our job is to simply trust! There is no way to put a price on what we have. We may not be rich in money and things but My Jesus has blessed me well beyond what I deserve. He's given me you and our boys...for that I am so grateful...no gold or silver or amount of money could ever compare! ❤

Everlasting promises...

Sorrow..Brokenness..No words..Just pure shattered hearts. Losing someone is one of the hardest things you will encounter. The human flesh cries out in despair. No words are sufficient. Nothing takes the pain away. The loss. The ending of a life. I can't imagine the pain some around us are feeling at this time. Even when you know your loved one is in Christ's arms it's the suddenness that shatters you. What if? I should have....I could have. If only...things we don't understand this side of heaven. Why one gets cancer, why another suffers, one is hurting silently, tragic accidents occur. Hearts are breaking and lives are forever changed. When your only assurance is in the Creator who made all things and knows all things. One can only pray that the pain endured can further His kingdom in some way. Jesus wrap your arms around them. Hold them. Love them. Keep them close Jesus. Do not let them fall away from you. Let them see you clearly in the days ahead. Let them rest in your embrace and your everlasting promises. You never leave us nor forsake us. Jesus we plead you intercede with peace and comfort. When there are no words dear God there is you. A Savior who bled and died so this broken flesh may live.

Endure...

I'm feeling burdened. I don't exactly know why but I feel a weight. Maybe it comes from the day to day junk going on...I don't know. Do you ever have that feeling? When you just want to crawl back in your four walls and pretend the outside world doesn't exist. Pretend like everything is perfect and blissful. But it just isn't so. You know the verse...“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

1 Corinthians‬ ‭10:13‬ ‭NIV‬‬

So much truth in this but also a truth that goes misunderstood or overlooked...."God will not give me more than I can handle"....as long as I truly know Him. All this "stuff" this "junk" this overwhelming sense of dread and the heavy burdens can only be managed...can only be tolerable...with Christ by your side. Life is not always grand and great. If it wasn't for my Savior and my daily asking for grace, mercy and forgiveness how would I ever make it through? When I can't see an end in site or when the world is just too heavy to bear...this world is not my home. We are in a season of great hatred in this world. When my naive self wants to live in harmony but the rest of the world is ready to spread hate and discouragement in every direction. Let me just say I am so thankful my God is a forgiving God. That he doesn't hold my past against me. That the words, actions and deeds of my past are gone through His forgiveness. Thank you Jesus I am not who I was 10, 15, 20 years ago. That he forgives me daily for the sinner that I am. I am owed nothing and deserve nothing in this life. This life...this hard place to bear...this burdened life...this overwhelming dread...isn't my end. There will be no end when I enter the kingdom of God. The world as I will know it then will be perfect. Bodies will be made new and whole and these burdens will no longer be. I can only tolerate the burdens of here and now with my Jesus. 

Decrease so I may increase...you've heard it before. The verse in John “He must become greater; I must become less.””

John‬ ‭3:30‬ 

What does that really mean. To be less. To be more. To be this or be that. To say this or to say that. Sometimes it means to do nothing. So many times we want to say something in our belief to be right. We want to lash back at some comment or post and say "what planet are you living on because I don't think it's Earth" ...but this decrease so I may increase may just mean to hold your tongue in anger and abide by Grace. To pray for matters and individuals at hand. To become less self-righteous "for the cause" and maybe take a deeper look at scripture. My God is a big God. A God who knows every thread of time from beginning to end. He knows the days of suffering as well as the days of joy. Will you put your faith in Him or this world? 

Diamonds and Pearls...

When you don't want diamond and pearls...

When what you are longing for is a simple life with your family around you. A chance to make a living and enjoy being together. Sometimes life isn't designed that way and every day seems like a struggle. A struggle for survival. To keep your head above water and make it to the next day. When your prayers is "Lord, grant us provision for the day". Life's hard. When the cars in the shop, you are hit with an unexpected medical bill and the new job just isn't providing because the other job took a huge pay cut. It's life! The days will fail me but my God never will. Despite what is going on in my world or your world. God is here! He's patiently waiting for me to lay the day at his feet saying "Lord, I can't do this on my own. I can't make sense of it. I can't figure out why. It's yours, Lord. I give this worry, this anxiety, this fear over to you." I don't know of anyone who gets to walk through this life without having the daily thought of Why, when or how?  "Life is like a box of chocolates" as Forrest Gump would say..."you never know what you are going to get". Isn't it the truth! Life is filled with trials and temptations that we don't always understand. But we aren't supposed to always understand. Sometimes we can't see what is around the next corner and what God may have planned. Leading one trial into a multitude of blessings. If life were easy we wouldn't seek our Heavenly Father. It would be much easier to go about my day living my life the way I wanted and the way I, I, I saw fit. There's a problem with that sentence. Too many I's and not enough God. It's a daily struggle of seeking after my human flesh desires versus my Fathers plan. Too many times I'm seeking my own answer instead of seeking God's plan. The energy that is wasted spending on worrying and "trying to figure it out" rather than hitting my knees and just asking for help. Seeking God's desire and His will. 

I really don't want diamonds and pearls. I'm just not that kind of girl. I want simple. I'd live on a farm if I thought we could make it. David and I just had this conversation on our drive to Texas last weekend. (Long drives are good for our marriage) I told him when we were first married I felt certain we would farm. He was raised on a farm and my grandparents had farmed for a living. It was a simple way of life...or so I thought as a child! Ha...so much work in that! Life didn't take us in that direction. Some day we would love to have a few acres...but then again it would just be more to take care of. What's important to me right now are my boys. A lot of my time and energy is focused on them. Some would praise me for it and some ridicule. Do I give them too much of me?...Maybe. Will I ever regret this time spent with them...I don't think so. My babies are growing and growing fast. I've got a short window to mold and encourage them before we send them out into this great big world. I'm not a sink or swim kindof girl. I like to prepare them for life's hiccups, adventures and disappointments. I want to be there to cheer them on but also to catch them when they fall. I don't ever want them to feel like they can't come to me for advice and support. I want them to know I'm here for them for as long as God lets me.  An ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on. To me there is nothing better than a hug from my momma. A real hug. The one that says "I love you with every breath I take. More than you can ever imagine." The same love my Heavenly Father has for me and you. Knowing that he loves us no matter what. He loves us in spite of our insecurities, anxieties and worries. He always there waiting for us!

Distractions...

They are all around me right now. Begging for my focus and energy. They drain me! The things of this world are just that...OF THIS WORLD. My hope cannot be set on anything other than my Savior who holds the answers and the peace that I want to feel only comes from Him. It is so easy right now to get lost in the political jargon of today. I'm over it. Sick of it. Every time I pick up my phone to scroll through the pages of life it bombards me. The captions...the headlines. Begging me to click and listen. When I do I am just a hot mess...overwhelmed with sadness, anxiety and worry. What about my kids? What about their future? What about our future? I have to step back...I have to step back and pray..."Jesus take the wheel cause I'm about to lose it!"  All I know is God already knows the outcome. I don't know how one candidate is even allowed to run and isn't in jail...maybe its Gods will for what is to come. Trial will come to us...ALL OF US. We will all face the King most high for our actions and decisions.  My job as momma, wife, daughter, sister is to raise my boys in His Light. Not the light or maybe darkness of an election. The election is what it is. My vote will be cast based on the fact that I want to throw up every time I look at her...there is an evil presence there. Its scary...But this isn't about her or about him. This is about my thoughts and mind not getting lost in who is or isn't elected. The way I feel there is nothing right, just or the least bit holy about our government as a whole as it is. I don't expect that to change in the near future. But, my job is to raise up that next generation to make better decisions and to speak out for what they believe. To stand up and stand proud as a follower of Christ and be leaders for His cause. Sure I pray for a reformation in this country ...but we have to raise up a group behind us who believe and pray for the same. Life is hard. Its only going to get harder. The threat of violence and uprising is real and worrisome. However, my fear is not there. My fear is that the Lord will come back with loved ones and neighbors who still don't know the King of Kings. My fear is that they will perish never hearing or believing that there is a Lord of Lords that holds the keys to the everlasting and eternal state they will one day face. What can I do? I'm one. But so are you...and that makes two. Christians who will finally stand and join together for THE cause...The kingdom cause can move mountains! We just have to believe that we can. 

“So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.”

‭‭John‬ ‭8:7‬ ‭KJV‬‬

The Mosquito...

Mosquitos...those pesky little guys often take their bite out of you leaving you miserable and itchy.  People can be that way too. Ever have those conversations with someone where no matter what you are doing it is never right? You are never doing enough and you should always be doing more. When you hang up the phone with them feeling defeated and start questioning your whole being and everything you do. Yep...a mosquito. Taking their bite out of you. Instantly going into panic mode that your kids are going to turn out to be some sort of oval shaped individual instead of the perfectly rounded one said person has all the answers on how to create. You should do this or that. They should do this or that, be a part of this, go to that, make them do this...all I can say is that this side of heaven I will never have it right. I won't have all the right answers, scenarios, and parenting skills to be the perfect individual to create the next perfect individual. It won't happen. I don't want to be a mosquito...quick to take a bite. I don't walk in their shoes and they don't walk in mine! Maybe instead we should point out all the things they are doing well and be less quick to judge. Hey the kids are fed and clothed today...some days that's a lot! I have had the life sucked out of me at times. Turning into a great big welt. Miserable from all those quick little bites...when I need to be a duck. Letting it all slide right off my back. We are so quick to judge others. Never having taken a step in their shoes but we have all the answers for them. Dear Jesus let me not be a mosquito sucking the life out of others and judging them. I'm guilty of it for sure. Let me lift them up with praise and admiration. Let me put wind under their wings so that they can soar instead of a rock tied to the ankles in defeat. Give us the strength to love when we don't feel like it and give when we don't want to.

 "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up..." 1 Thessalonians 5:11

"Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification." Romans 14:19

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29

All in...

Ever feel like God plants you in the field of uncomfortable. Often sending those little reminders that we are not here as Christians and followers to be in our comfort zone. To feel like we are just passing through waiting on eternity. Sometimes he plants us in situations outside of our comfort zone so that we can be a guiding light. An example. A chance to be the difference. To show the difference and to witness while being the change he desires. It might not be immediate. It might not even happen but maybe we are planting seeds when we are in these situations. Seeds that might not grown now, or next year or ten years from now but seeds that will leave an imprint for his timing. Being a living example of his Light at any age. After all...“Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.”

‭‭1 Timothy‬ ‭4:12‬ ‭NIV‬‬ 

I've written before about what are we here for? What am I here for? What did God plant me on this earth to be or do? Recently I read a book called "All In" by Mark Batterson and this stood out to me: "When did we start believing that God wants to send us to safe places to do easy things? That faithfulness is holding the fort? That playing it safe is safe? That there is any greater privilege than sacrifice? That radical is anything but normal? Jesus didn't die to keep us safe. He died to make us dangerous. Faithfulness is not holding the fort. It's storming the gates of hell. The will of God is not an insurance plan. It's a daring plan. The complete surrender of your life to the cause of Christ isn't radical. It's normal. It's time to quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. It's time to go all in and all out for the all in all." I've read this over and over and over...maybe you will to. Hoping that it sinks in that I am not here to be comfortable. I'm here to win souls for Christ. I'm here to raise my boys to win souls for Christ...at any age. Praying the have that relationship now with Christ that it took me years to find. “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” Proverbs‬ ‭22:6‬ ‭NIV‬‬ They won't always be perfect but I believe in this verse as I raise my boys. I believe that living our lives in a Christ centered environment focused on the prize ahead...His kingdom...and leaving His lasting imprint wherever we go through our words and conduct and most of all His love. 

The simple...

Sometimes my prayers seem like echoes. They are repeated and repeated and repeated. Sometimes for what seems like ages. Some answered...some not...some not yet. At times I wonder how long do I keep praying this prayer or how long do I keep interceding for this person or for that. The Bible tells us to pray without ceasing... “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

‭‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭5:16-18‬ ‭NIV‬‬. He answers in his timing and in his way but it's our job to be faithful. Faithful to the process of waiting and listening. Asking and seeking. My prayers don't have to be lavish and fluffy...some days I don't have words. Some days the simple prayer of "Jesus"...and you know what..He is there. Listening, waiting, interceding for me. He knows the words even when they don't come out of my mouth. He knows my heart before I even utter one word. He sees our hurts, fears, trials, temptations. 

In reading Max Lucado's "After Amen" this hit home... "Just as a happy child cannot mis-hug, the sincere cannot mis-pray. Heaven knows, life has enough burdens without the burden of praying correctly. If prayer depends on how I pray, I'm sunk. But if the power of prayer depends on the One who hears the prayer, and if the One who hears the prayer is my Daddy (My Jesus), then I have hope."-Max Lucado

Indeed I have hope in knowing that even when the lavishness and fluff have left me. Even when the words just won't exit my body. When the tears fall but the words are silent...my Jesus knows. He knows. He knows. I have hope! I have a God who sees. A God who knows. A God who understands. A God who loves.  He loves you when all is wrong. He loves you when all is right. He loves you when you can't love yourself or anyone else. All you have to do is call out his name "My Jesus, My Jesus". He knows!

If you read or have read the book you will see these lines at the very end of Chapter 4..."Pieces don't fit. Wine runs out. (John 2). Water bottles burst. These are facts of life. But Jesus responds with this invitation: 'Bring your problems to me.' State them simply. Present them faithfully, and trust him reverently."

Whispers...

I've often deemed myself a failure. I've let Satan in my head more times than I care to count allowing him to rule. Allowing him to whisper those words in my ear..."failure"..."you aren't good at anything"...."unworthy". After letting these words in you begin to believe them. After all...school didn't come easy. I had to work my tail off. I gave up on my college scholarship after two years. Failed business attempts...not that it was entirely my fault that the housing market crashed. But yet, it was failure in my eyes and ears. Business attempts that didn't go as planned or prosper as I had hoped. I did have success...just not what I had hoped and dreamed for. Each time one of these ventures came and went it always brought me back home where I had one...then two...then three...then four little boys to take care of. My God given blessings before my eyes that proved I was no failure. It proved I was worthy. It proved I was capable. The desires of my heart that God GAVE me. Right before my eyes...I was called. I was chosen. God chose ME!  I was momma. Success! I didn't consider myself "successful". After all, what is success? The job? How much money I make? My experiences? My portfolio? "Don't just make a living, make a life!"-Mark Batterson. My sweet husband has spoken words of praise and worthiness over me for years and sometimes I just wouldn't listen. "I'm nothing"....those whispers. Then, God began to work on me a few years ago. He began to open my eyes and ears to see that I am his. I am the daughter of the one true king. I am anointed. I am able. I am worthy. I am loved. I am His. Do you know that I love music... I used to sing. I used to play the piano. I love to write often times afraid to share with anyone because well "it's just not that good". But, as I'm raising these boys...to be men and not JUST men. I'm raising them to be men of God, to be godly husbands and fathers.  The biggest job I could ever have. This is my success! But, if I can't trust and if I can't believe what God has told me and what his word shows me how can I breathe life and belief into them. How can I show them a God who is so loving, so powerful, so giving, so righteous...when I choose to not believe His words about me. We are called. Each of us. In whatever season of life that we are in. Whether we are using our talents athletically, musically, in teaching, in serving, in leadership, in writing, or at home ...wherever we are...my gift from God is to be momma..plain old momma...to be used FOR God. My success does not equal that of others. My success is based on the gifts God has given me. Yours are based on the gifts he has given YOU. Don't let Satan win the battle of whispers. Fight back with words of courage! Our words to ourselves are often the most damaging and also the most powerful. Fight back with empowerment! Live in the moment God has given you and make a difference where you are.

Next...

Today begins a new chapter. A new journey in the life of our gymnast boy. This has been a super hard decision in one sense and the easiest decision in the next. A decision that has been prayed over, after, for and prayed through. We are excited for the future. We are excited to see how God uses Mason. We are excited to see his journey unfold. He has been super faithful and committed to gymnastics. Competing at level 8 and above just requires more. More practice, patience, coaching, time and commitment. It's not extra curricular. It's not a hobby. In a sense it is a dream, a hope, a vision, a goal to him...he works so hard. We get one life to live. We get one chance to follow those dreams. Breathing into my kids something that might have been left out of me at their age. I want them to see that there is a great big world out there they can go after. Being Christ's light wherever it leads them. We want our boys to know that we will help them chase those dreams. We want to leave no regrets behind with the woulda shoulda couldas. We want to say we at least tried. Whether we succeed or not we have given it our best effort. Navigating a new direction takes time and energy for our whole family. It won't be always be easy for us because we are a big family.  But we are here. We will take one day at a time and work through the obstacles we encounter. Praising God for opportunity. May we cherish the gifts we have been given and use them wisely. May we be a blessing to those we encounter along the way.

"Refuse to be average. Let your heart soar as high as it will". -A.W. Tozer

Overwhelmed...

Today I sat on my little swing on the back porch and was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by what? Tears just started to fall. Like an urgency I needed to be close to my father. My Heavenly Father. To feel his presence to know he was there. All I could do was say his name. "Jesus, Jesus"...Lord I want to be bold. Lord I don't want to wander. Lord I want to know. Lord let me be strong. Let me be courageous. Not self-seeking. Lord you've given me a big job. A great big job at being mom to these four boys and wife to my husband. Let me do it well. Let me embrace what you've called me to be. Lord I feel like there is so much more. A reason I am uneasy. A reason I am not comfortable. Just show me...

Maybe it's the start of the school year jitters. Getting ready to embark on 4 different routines of school schedules. Some days it's overwhelming. But I prayerfully know Gods plan is in place in following his prompting years ago. Lord just let me do it well. Let me have patience when needed. Encouraging daily to strive to be who God created us to be. I often let the ideas of the things I "should be doing" overshadow the blessing of the things we already are doing. We won't ever have it mastered perfectly and I dare not try for perfection or I'm sure to be let down. I can only give it to God daily. Hourly. By the minute. 

As for the tears. I feel God stirring. We've been on this journey of seeking his will for a long time. It's a never ending journey but when you are restless you feel an urgency to know. What's next? Patience is often hard. Patience can be overwhelming. I see it as a path...a beautiful garden with stepping stones. Sometimes two or three stones are laid at once and you can't wait to reach the next one. Sometimes you stand on that last stone for a while...years, months, weeks, days, hours...praying...waiting...listening...watching....when will the next stone appear? Where is the path going? God knows. I just have to trust. Waiting on the next stepping stone on the path he would have us take. For years I was afraid to follow that prompting. So afraid of making the wrong decision or going down the wrong path. I've come to realize there are a lot of paths in this life. Some are hard. Some are easy but God has led us down each one for a reason. Sometimes those reasons aren't immediately clear. Some paths have taken us full circle back to where we started. Maybe it's a do-over. God is faithful. I have to seek and I have to trust. And one day...in HIS timing he will show us the path. That great big winding path....I can see it! Milestone events of brokenness and victory of perseverance and growth. I wait! Seeking. Knowing he will show us the way! The victory is all HIS we just have to be ready to stand for the battle! "Jesus, Jesus"

Regrets...

Life is full of them. At some point you will regret something you did, the way you handled a situation, a missed opportunity, something you said...regret is something I have struggled with. More so....I've struggled with forgiveness. For a long time I lived with regret. I had asked forgiveness for past deed(s) but the regret was still there. Why did I do this? Why did I do that? I was unable to let it go. I was unable to say "Lord, your grace is sufficient." I walked a long, hard, lonely road of dealing with a mental and emotional war that went on inside of me. 

2 Chronicles 7:14

"...if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."

Could I move forward. Was I really worthy of his forgiveness. I trust Him! I love Him! A Christ who paid the price. Paid the price for my sin. I'm not worthy...

Mark 11:24

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

Moving past regret is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. No matter how many times I would try to move past the devil would grab hold of my heart and tell me I was unworthy...

Luke 11:9

"...Ask and it will be given to you: seek and you will find: knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives: he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

I had to open my heart to forgiveness. I had to know that God had forgiven me. I had to move forward if I truly believed what His Word said. Did I truly trust and believe?

1 John 1:9

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

FAITHFUL AND JUST!

FOLLOW HIM! Follow him and do not stray. Follow him and your burdens will be light. Follow him and let him guide you DAILY. Don't lose sight of the prize. DO NOT let Satan grab hold of your heart, mind and body and lead you astray. Stay the course. Seek Him in ALL things. Learn from my mistakes....and when he does creep his way in like a thief to steal what God has given fall on your face before God and pray for wisdom and strength! 

Philippians 3:13-14

"...Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on..."

Persevere...

Sometimes it's just hard to persevere. The days when you want to say "Lord, I quit" while waiting on answers and decisions. Hebrews 10:35-36

"So do not throw away your confidence, it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."

When my confidence is down it is not of the Lord. Satan wants me to lose sight and lose hope but my faith must stand firm. 

Hebrews 11:1

"Now faith is being sure of what I hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Hebrews 12:1

"...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfect or of our faith..."

When my faith is down its time to dig in. Dig in to Gods word and what he teaches me so that I don't lose sight of his promises. That I can fulfill his will and follow his plan. Releasing all the feelings of doubt and fear. 

The waiting is the hardest. The learning while we wait. The growing that is taking place in the waiting. His light will shine during this time and patience will grow. It's so easy to dwell on what we are waiting on. So easy to consume our thought and our attitudes. These are the times I cry out for mercy in this area and I seek him through it. That I pray through the situation but I don't lose sight of the moment I am in. That I place it at the feet of my Savior who knows all. He knows the outcome...I must have faith in what I cannot see. I must have faith in the waiting.

A favorite James 1:3-4

"...because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Stand Firm. Have Faith. Seek Jesus!

Where...oh where!

Where oh where did the school year go? I can't believe we are already closing out another year in our home of school. I also can't believe that my first born...my first baby...the littlest who taught me to be a momma will be a sophomore next year. How is it possible we are closing out his freshman year. I blinked and here we are. All those days and years of thinking the diapers and feedings would never end and here we are... Some days I'd go back... To rocking and cooing and playing peek a boo! But oh the joyous gift I've been given to see these boys grow. Grow into bright young men...leaders...they will forge their own path in their own way but seeing God's presence in their life is such a blessing to me. Maybe I've (we've) done something right after all! Seeing the fruits of your labor come to fruition is an amazing sight and most of all a gift. Keep pouring into them. Keep pestering them. Keep praying with them. Keep loving them. Keep lifting your hands high to Jesus praying FOR them. My Jesus I praise you!

He's driving you know...that littlest. Learning to maneuvering in more ways than one in this great big world. I'm so thankful I'm here to help teach him. Some days I feel like he's driving Ms. Daisy and some day it may be that way. He will have to drive his old gray haired momma around. I'll be proud! Some days I'm in disbelief at the season we are in. The life that we've been given but as fleeting as it is I don't want to miss it. I don't want to miss the things that matter. To me...that matter the most. My beautiful boys...the laughter that fills our house...the silliness...the smiles...God granted me the desires of my heart! I'm so thankful!